Look Inside My Secret Windows

I want to thank you.... for showing me that even at my weakest, I can find it in me to be the strongest.

I want to thank you... for showing me just how crazy I WASN'T, how wrong about you I WASN'T, how useless I WASN'T.

I want to thank you... for teaching me that you were right. I don't deserve you, no one does. We all deserve better, for you are the bottom of the barrel.

I want to thank you... for making me a stronger woman today, then when I was meek and insecure, when I was your prey.

And I want to thank you for hurting me, lying to me, and being the biggest ass ever. If you hadn't done any of those things, I would have been a fool and married you.
------------------------------------
Mike was sentenced to 6 years incarcerated, and 2 years probation today for beating me up on Halloween. 2 years for aggravated assault, 2 years for assault with a deadly weapon, 2 years for domestic assault, and 2 years probation for threatening to commit a felony.

According to the lawyer, it was quite the humorous event, and even though he knew I didn't want to face Mike, he thought I would have enjoyed the stupid entertainment he provided.

Some "highlights" include:
- The judge ripping him a new asshole for not only beating on a woman, but beating on a woman who grew up the way I had, and who was very sick with cancer.

- Mike pleaded guilty to the aggravated assault, domestic assault, and threatening to commit a felony. He plead not guilty for assault with a deadly weapon.

- The judge asked Mike: "Why are you pleading Not Guilty on the charge of assault with a deadly weapon? You admitted to the police you threw the chair at her." Mike's reply was :"Why is a chair a deadly weapon? You sit in it." To which the judge replied "Yes, that is right. You sit in them, not throw them at your sick fiancee. You're guilty"

-Evidence backing me up included over 50 police photographs of my injuries, 20 pictures of the scene of the assault (i.e. the chair that was thrown at me, the blood all over the chair), 20 more hospital photos, the police report, the medical reports, my signed statement I gave to the police before I moved back to Massachusetts, and a signed affidavit I filed in December.

-In her closing statements, the judge mentioned that the evidence of his guilt was more than enough for a conviction, and that the pictures were the most horrific she's ever seen in her career.

----------
I don't think anyone can comprehend the RELIEF I feel right now. For 9 years, off and on, I was with this man. For 9 years, I was convinced I loved him. For 9 years, I thought I didn't deserve any better. For 9 years, I was a victim, and I was too fearful to admit that TRULY! I would say it, but deep down, I did not believe it. I was convinced I deserved the things he did to me, the ways he made me feel.

For a long part of those 9 years, I didn't even realize I was being abused. I knew he shouldn't hit me, but I thought it was my fault. I knew he was mean, but I thought I deserved it.

Today, I am no longer a victim. Today, I am no longer abused. Today, I have received the freedom I should never have had taken from me. Today is the day that I am a survivor. Today is the day I am free.

Never again will this man lay a hand on me. Never again will ANY man lay a hand on me. Never again will I be a victim. Never again. Never.

So thank you, Mike. Thank you for making me a better woman, a stronger woman, a fighter.

I haven't posted on the web for a long ass time, and I think this is becoming a trend, because it seems like all my friends have given up posting so much, as well.

Either way, the need to write struck me to night, so here I am with my faithful computer, on my faithful LJ, writing to my faithful friends.

It's been rough lately, and I can't lie about that. But, it's a new year, and a new day, and I plan on taking full advantage.

I rang in the new year with a near and dear friend, and I enjoyed having her here more than I think she knows. I hide myself from people locally, and I only have one close friend that I see on a somewhat constant basis. Even she doesn't know about a lot of the things I struggle with, because I can't seem to let anyone else in.

Having Laura here made me feel like I could be close with someone again, like I could be myself, even if it was only for a few days. My only regret is that I couldn't entertain her as much as I would have liked to. There IS always next time!

I realize I am 3 days late on this, and I said I wouldn't do them, but it's time for New Year's Resolutions, which I really want to take control of this year. It seems I always give up, but I need to persevere this year.

I've come up with a system of sorts. I'm going to take baby steps, and make them goals on a month-to-month basis. That way, it feels like I'm actually accomplishing something. We'll see how it goes....
----------------------------------------------------------------

1- I want to read 50 books this year. That would be about one a week. I KNOW I can do this, and I've already taken steps to ensure I keep this resolution. I also hope to turn this resolution into habit.

I've signed up on swaptree.com to make sure I have a constant rotation of books. Also, Laura gave me some books for Christmas, which I can't wait to read. Right now, I'm reading Eye's of Darkness by Dean Koontz. I'm expecting 2 books from swaptree.com, and Laura gave me 3, so after I'm done, I've got a good 5 books waiting for me. New Years Resolution AHOY!

I also plan on using the Book Club LJ I started LAST YEAR and pretty much let die. So if any of you belong to that community, POST OFTEN. Out of site, out of mind. So keep it fresh for me to see, lol.


2- I NEED, NEED, NEED to get my finances in order. I am totally broke, and it's pretty much due to me living in Virginia for 2 months, with no job. I DID get a job before Christmas, but it has a BIG disadvantage. It's commission only.

I work for Guaranteed Auto Shipping as an Account Executive (it is NOT as fancy as it sounds haha!), which is an auto transport broker. You know those big tractor trailers with like 10 cars that always seems to pretty much scare the crap out of you and cut you off on the highway? Yeah, I'm the one who sets up clients to get their cars on one of those things.

It's not a bad job, whatsoever. To start off, right now I'm cold calling dealerships, and giving out my information, and hoping they call me when they need to ship a car. I also stalk dealers on eBay, and call them up.

Speaking with everyone in the company who has been there for some time, this market has EXCELLENT potential. I can bring home over a grand a week, I just really need to get my foot in the door, and typically, it takes a few weeks.

I started at a bittersweet time. Normally, your first 2 weeks, you should be making a good $300-$500, but I started around the holidays. My first week was the week of Christmas, and then my 2nd week was the week of New Years. The good thing about that is, I got myself used to the way things work around there. Sort of. Friday we had a meeting and were basically told we're being trained wrong. Fabulous.

Either way, soon I should be banking with the company, and I've gotten nothing but praise from the higher-ups, telling me I'll be good at this! So, I should DEFINITELY be able to get the $$$ at least somewhat.

3- I do this every year, and after a few months, I always fail. I WILL NOT FAIL AGAIN!!!! I need, NEED, NEED NEED to get my weight under control. I feel like such shit all the time, and I have ZERO energy. I need to exercise, and STOP living off of junk food! I don't want to drop tons of weight and look like I'm wasting away, but being healthy in what few years I COULD have left isn't such a horrible thing!

4- Get my truck on the road! I know this kinda falls into the finance catagory, but man, I need my own transportation. Last week I got pulled over (with my wonderful suspended license, mind you!!), and Gram's car got towed due to her tags being illegal (they expired in Oct.). We realized just how easy it would be for me to get arrested (I didn't this time. Thank you holiday season and Christmas-Spirit-Feeling Cops!!!), and she has taken away my car privileges. Which I understand 100% I totally agree with her!

So, I need to pay off the Virginia DMV, get my license back, and get my truck on the road.

4- I need to start living more. I have a bucket list that I want to get through, and not just because I may or may not be dying. I need to have a life, I need stories to tell! I need to have stories that don't end up with someone feeling sorry for me, I don't need pity.

5- Reconnect with those I love. I know I've been distant to a lot of people, and really, I think it's my own fears. I've reigned in my fears, and it's time to spend more time with those I really care about and care about me! Life is too short, and I can't protect anyone from being hurt. I can't protect myself from it, either. No more.

6- Blog more! I want to be more social on the web, because I've seen myself withdraw from the online world as well. I only talk to select people, and I neglect my blogs. So even if it's random song lyrics (which is one idea I have), I will blog!!

So yeah, these are my New Years Resolutions. I think 2009 is going to be a damn good year, because I'm going to MAKE it a damn good one. No more letting fate take control. I control what happens to MY life!

On August 15th, I will be going back to Mexico for my second treatment. It is still unknown what this treatment will be doing for me, but my doctor has urged me not to give up yet. I still stand beside my decision to cease treatments if no evidence of progress rears its head.

I've gotten a lot of crap for this, so I've decided to explain myself.

These treatments, although slightly better than chemo, are fucking torture. I'm ridiculously ill the entire time. The side effects fuck with my head and my body. I feel like I'm on one horrible and deep week long acid trip, and I DO NOT WANT.

If this isn't going to help me, why put myself through it? It's like the chemo and radiation, if it's not going to help, why add to the suffering? I'm still sick, I'm still in pain, and I'm not really getting any better. I don't feel like I'm getting treatment. And while thats good because it doesn't make me feel any worse ala chemo, it's bad because it doesn't make me feel any better ala cancer.

However, this trip I will not be taking alone.

Again, I'm getting much flack for this.... I'm back with my ex boyfriend Mike. Before you hit me, things have CHANGED, y'all.

We got back together after he basically BEGGED a mutual friend to bring him out here to see me. We fought, hard. First thing I did was slap him. But then the fighting turned into talking. When I told him about the cancer, he had tears in his eyes. Real ones. I've never seen this man cry, people. Never, not once.

He apologized, whole heartedly. Tears and apologies always tug at my heart strings, so I let my guard down and let him hold me and let him cry. When he held me and whispered "I love you so much, I'm so sorry I made you such a victim", I gave in.

So, after blissfully hot make up sex, he's coming to Mexico with me. He's PAYING for my ticket AND his, so I can have money to go next time, in case he can't join me.

This makes me nervous because of how vulnerable I am when getting treatment. I can't PRETEND I'm okay, down there. He can SEE how sick I am. I can't deflect my weaknesses. I can't put on a strong smiley face and say "It's okay baby". I am SICK.

....but at least I'm not alone anymore.

I. am. home. Thank god! Based on my first 5 hours in Mexico, I did NOT think I would survive.

This treatment was very bittersweet. The bad was bad, the good was alright, and in the end, it may just give me the most precious thing of all, life.

Basically, I had to swallow a nasty, sulferish, herbal concoction every 6 hours. This made me throw up horribly the first time. Unfortunately, if I throw it up within the first half hour, they have to give it to me again. So my goal the whole week was to keep it in my stomach for at least a half an hour, after that it was Porcelain God Ahoy!

Doesn't sound too bad, right? Yeah, until you hear the side affects. First of all, and I love you all so please understand that I'm just trying to explain what I've gone through, I was farting like the Apocalypse was coming out of my ass!!! Seriously, there was sulfur in the concoction. Come to your own conclusions as to what foul odor was emitting from my no no hole!!

Second, my nipples were sore and swollen. OUCH! It seriously looks like I'm lactating!

Third, heartburn like whoa. And you people thought acid reflux was bad? Seriously, it was like a fart coming out of my throat in liquid form. EW!!!

And lastly, but oh no certainly not least, HALLUCINATIONS! Not the fun kind! I saw worms wearing sombrero's crawling in and out of my walls, THE DEVIL AT THE END OF MY BED (so not a good hallucination in Mexico, for the record.), people walking through walls, aliens poking the other patients in my room, etc. etc. Not fun. I mean, it's fun when it's from tequila, but try dealing with that shit sober!! Not cool.

All in all, I'm taking the side affects with a light heart, because this could mean LIFE. Something I am holding dear to my heart right now, because without this treatment, it could slip away from me, and there is nothing I could do to fix that.

I'd rather go to hell and back to fight for my life, then to sit and rot. If I lose this battle, I lost it fighting, and with a heart full of people I know love me and care for me. I'm fighting for you all just as much as I'm fighting for myself. And sometimes, I fight just for you guys when I feel like I don't have enough in me to fight for myself. I can let myself down, but I can't let you all down. I won't, so I fight.

So thank you all for keeping me in your hearts, you all have a place in mine.

I am convinced my bathroom is a portal to hell. Or at least The Bermuda Triangle.

It's a TEENY TINY half bath, but everything ever gets lost in there, most recently some brand new undies, a new bra, and my face wash.

Previous items include brand new, never used makeup, my contact lens case, my cosmetic case, nail polishes, my new flat iron, 2 pairs of shoes, numerous shirts, pants, and dude, lets not even get into where the hell all my socks are.

I ALWAYS put my face wash on the back of the sink. Always. It's habit. It was there at 5am when I let the cat out, then went pee. It was there at 7am when I let the cat it and went pee. It was STILL THERE at 10am when I let the cat BACK out, and went pee. 1:30 pm roll call, and my face wash is not there.

So Satan, since your skin is so soft and clean now, can I have my panties back?

I did something green today!

I bought 2 shirts from Wal*Mart that were made from 20 recycled 20oz plastic bottles!!

And I didn't take a plastic bag!!

Oddly, this makes me feel better about splurging lol.

Yeah, I totally suck at updating this thing, and I know it. Sue me. You won't get much, just some pocket lint and a sincere apology!

To update those of you who don't know already, At the end of May, I will be going to Tijuana (Yes, that's MEXICO!) for what is called the Hoxsey Treatment. To explain in better: Hoxsey Treatment on Wikipedia

Scary, no? And while it's scary, it's also so very much hopeful for me. This may cure me, and if it doesn't, well, I haven't really lost anything. But the important part is, THIS. MAY. HELP.

I am far from ready to just give up and let myself... go. I'm 22, I have shit to do. My heart needs to be broken a few more times, my face needs to hurt from laughing too hard. My arms need to be sore from hugging those I love over and over again. And you can't rush these things and force them to happen, just because you're afraid you will never get to them.

As you can see from the Wikilink, Miss Jen Wa, I don't think I'll be able to enjoy that nummy Mexican food you were telling me about. Apparently, the diet is very strict. Meh. Maybe you and I can venture down sometime and cause trouble and you can show me what to eat and where?

Anyways, thats pretty much it on the update front. I have good days and bad days, and the doctors made a wonderful mistake by putting me on some good shit for pain medication. It's got morphine in it. Oy, I get a little crazy, but I just think of it as fodder to make Jen smile, lol. She loves hearing about my crazy shit, just as much as I love hearing about hers.

Also, I may or may not have my cell phone with me in Mexico, and I'll be sure to let you guys know if I do, so you'll be able to call me and keep me up to date with your crazy shit, too. I'll be leaving May 29th, and coming home the 4th or 5th I believe.

Thank you all for keeping me strong and hopeful. I'm doing this for you!

... but JUST IN CASE, I've started casually looking at caskets.

I decided I want a big, black, obnoxious one, with Julien-K written all over it, and stickers stuck on it all over the place.

It will also have Hot Rod flames.

And when you open the casket, "Highway to Hell" will start blaring from the custom speakers.

All this just to piss my gramma off. Even after I'm gone. Someone take pictures, and there better be an afterlife, I need to watch this shit.

Dear State of California,

I know that at 3:30 in the morning, Pacific time of course, on a Saturday night, you may not realize there is a THREE HOUR time difference between where you are stand, and where I, nice and warm, am SLEEPING IN MY BED.

So PLEASE, next time you randomly decide to scream on my answering machine, do so at a REASONABLE HOUR!

Also, please make sure I know WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. This is not a fun guessing game, especially since you won't answer your phone now. Don't like being called when you're ASLEEP, do you? HA!

Thanks in advance,
One not so happy effin camper.

I so need to find a cheap way to start production on those "If found, please return to" undies Jennifer and I were talking about. Or maybe that "Spiller Sipper".

Ugh, my bank account is SERIOUSLY overdrawn, and it just keeps getting worse and if anyone has figured out the ability to pull cash out of their ass, or even money orders, I'd gladly take a few.

Diet is going to be easy the next few weeks, I won't be eating much of anything.

Edit: In all seriousness, if anyone knows any Justin Timberlake or NSYNC fans (other than me, duh) I have some eBay auctions up selling my JT Marionette (circa "Bye Bye Bye" No Strings Attached NSYNC era) and a Justin Timberlake painting/picture. I also have a box of stuffed animals up. Just in case anyone is interested, or knows someone who might be.

Justin Timberlake Marionette auction

Justin Timberlake Painting auction

Stuffed Animals (lot of 7) auction

Dear Reproductive System,

FUCK. YOU.

Stupid exploding ovarian cysts. YOU HURT LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER!!!

IN YOUR ASS FUCKO'S!!

Thank you, that is all.

Sincerely,
Your owner

For those of us working on resolutions this year, I thought this might be helpful.
--------------------


5 Steps to Achieving Your 2008 Goals
------------------------------------------------------
For many people, a new year's resolution is a highly personal goal that, if fulfilled, becomes a "private victory." But whether you keep things quiet by accident or by design, you are giving yourself an out: You can fall off track, and no one will be the wiser.

On the other hand, you are more likely to follow through with your resolutions if you share them with the significant people in your life.

Which brings us to our five-step resolution-reaching plan:

1. Make your resolutions public.
Share them with one or more people so they can help you stay on track. If you let your friends and family in on your dream, you can use their support to help you make it a reality.

2. Write down your resolution.
But don't stop there: Also include the steps you will take to keep it. According to Laura Hess, a Nevada-based personal and business coach, having a clearly articulated goal and a plan of action is vital for success.

3. Keep things simple.
Break a big goal into a series of smaller goals. Want to lose 50 pounds? Shoot for losing 10 percent of your body weight first, or set five 10-pound incremental weight-loss goals.

4. Mark your achievements.
Each time you make a small lifestyle change aimed at reaching your goal-adding 5 minutes to your daily walk, for instance - put a star on your calendar so you can see your progress.

5. Make small changes.
If weight loss or a healthier lifestyle is your goal, put a bowl of fruit or vegetable pieces front and center in the fridge, and hide the cookie jar behind the oatmeal. Each week, try a new low-fat cereal or an exotic fruit or a vegetable you haven't tasted before. Stash away your car keys for a weekend and challenge yourself to walk wherever you need to go. Lose the deep-fat fryer, too, and steam, bake or microwave your food.

The time has come once again for all of us to make our promises to ourselves for the New Year.

1- Lose the weight!
Ah, the stereotypical resolution. This year, I don't care what it takes. I will be thin by 2009! I joined Weight Watchers again tonight, and I'm going to stick with it until I'm 125 lbs!

2- Read more!
Jennifer and I have talked about this one, and she's loaned me 2 books. I loved the first one, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress, and I'm halfway through Valley of the Dolls already, and it's only the 3rd haha. Guess this one is going to be easier.

I've created a LJ community Book Club, "Yes, I CAN Read", and I suggest you join. It'll be awesome!

3- Write more!
I remember when I used to write poems and stories EVERY DAY, now, I almost never write, so I'm going to try to write at least twice a month.

4- Get my finances straight.
This one is self explanatory.

5- Get a vehicle
I need to either get my truck back on the road, or sell it and get a new car. I don't want to borrow Gram's car anymore. I need something of my own.

6- Save money to move to California in 2009!!

7- Find time to pamper myself and RELAX!

8- Spend time with Gram at least once a week

9- Talk to the twins more.

10- Make extra cash on eBay


I think that should help me get through 2008, 2009 is right around the corner!

Today, yes, on Christmas, I chewed the ass off of one of my co-workers. It's a bit of a story, so grab some coco, and sit.

I woke up at the ungodly hour of 9am today. When you go to bed at 5 am, 9 is an ungodly hour. When I realized I had no soda left this morning, I decided to head out and pick up a bottle at my work, which is only 5 minutes away. I wanted to wish my co-workers a happy holiday anyways, and I couldn't go all day without soda. I have an addiction, I know.

Before getting my intended purchase, I scurried over to the Honey Dew Donuts counter and wished Kim and Amber a Merry Christmas and gave them hugs.

We all looked over when this woman walked in. You could hear the tiredness in her voice as she instructed her 3 year old son that no, he could not buy rocksalt to play with. You could see her exhaustion as she lugged her baby girl around, no more than 7 months old. You could sense her frustration as her 15 year old son huffed and puffed when asked to hold his 3 year old little brothers hand.

Going back to our conversation, we paid the woman no mind, because seeing mom's like this is not uncommon. As the counter got busy, I made my way over to the soda, grabbed my bottle, and browsed around the store, seeing if I needed anything else.

As I pondered over buying pasta, I overheard the woman talking on her cell phone. She sounded clearly upset and I heard her say a few things that nearly broke my heart. She was apparently speaking to her soon-to-be former husband who had left her 3 days ago, and cleaned out their joint account, leaving her with nothing but 3 kids and a broken heart. She was astounded with this man when he called and told her he was picking up the kids today at noon. She protested and told him he wasn't bringing her children near a heartless 25 year old bimbo who didn't bat an eyelash at breaking up a happy marriage of 22 years. Score one for single mom, zero for bloodsucking vapid husband.

Understandably, this woman hung up on him and tucked her cellphone back into her pocket, and tended to her now crying baby in her arms. She moved into the same aisle I was in, looked at the diapers which was right behind me and my pasta. She apologized profusely when her baby girl reached out and grabbed a fistfull of my hair. I smiled at her softly and told her I had baby sisters at one point, so a little hair pulling never bothered me. She smiled, thanked me for not snapping at her or the baby, and went back to looking at the diapers. I smiled and couldn't help but coochie coo the baby in her arms. So adorable with the brightest blue eyes, clueless of her mothers heartache.

The woman grabbed a small pack of diapers, as the baby began to fuss again, and shuffled her way to the register. Deciding against the pasta, I stood behind her in line. Juggling a cranky 15 year old, a hyperactive 3 year old, and a fussy baby in her arms, she slung her purse onto the counter as Donna, my co-worker, rung up the diapers. She dug through that purse frantically, looking for her money. "Devon, where is the $5 I had in here? Do you know where it went?" she asked her son. Her son replied that he had taken it out of her purse so he could buy his father a last minute Christmas gift last night, and he didn't want to ask for it, because he knew she "hated" his father. Instead of yelling at her son, or scolding him, she took a deep breath, and told her son she didn't hate his father. Right there, I personally would have lost my shit, but the seasoned mother she was, she knew it wasn't the time.

She looked back to see what line was forming, and noticed it was only me waiting. I told her to take her time and she thanked me once again. Back at her purse, she dug through it and produced a credit card. Donna swiped the card, and it wasn't a real surprise when the credit card was declined. The woman took another deep breath and bounced her now crying baby girl and said to Donna "I think I have some loose change in my car, can you hold this for me? I'll be right back."

Now, on our registers, we can store a transaction in the computer to come back to it at a later time, for instances just like this, so we can ring up the next customer without voiding the sale. So, I knew it was very possible of Donna to hold on, and wait for this woman. My heart nearly stopped and I nearly slapped Donna point blank when I heard her say, verbatum, to the woman "I'm leaving soon, I don't want to count a bunch of change. You'll have to go somewhere else to get whatever." Knowing Donna's schedule, and knowing the way my work schedules hours, I knew this was a load of shit, Donna didn't get off of work until 3pm. I also know, for a fact, Donna is a lazy shit, and there is no doubt in my mind that she just didn't want to recount change.

I think I gasped out loud, because the woman turned to look at me, and I could see she was clearly running out of patience. She handed her son the diapers and told him to put them back as she tried to corral her 3 year old. I could not just stand there. I gently took the diapers from her son, put them back on the counter and put my soda next to them. I told Donna to ring me up, and she was so pleasent like she hadn't just ruined the one peice of dignity that woman had left. After I had paid Donna, I told her I would be right back and handed the woman her diapers. She tried to tell me to return them, but I couldn't let this lady walk out the door with something she obviously needed so desperatly for the sobbing baby in her arms. I wished her a Merry Christmas and with tears in her eyes she thanked me, and ushered her children back out to the car.

There being no customers left in the store, I let go. I screamed at Donna. How could she be so fucking cold, and so fucking cruel to someone who was obviously in need?! She wasn't here getting fucking cigarettes or candy or some frivilous purchase, it was fucking DIAPERS! I stared at Donna in horror as she just shrugged. At that point, I stormed into the office and left Charlene a note for her to call me ASAP, because I had something VERY important to talk to her about.

I am stunned and appauled at the behaviour with my co-worker. All she asked of Donna was to stand there and fucking wait while she dragged her 3 kids out to the car, counted out $4 something in change so she could buy what her baby girl needed. She blatently broke company policy right in front of me, and pretty much convinced me that she has no fucking soul. When I confronted her, again, after writing my not she shrugged at me, and used the excuse "Well, I didn't want to work on Christmas anyways." I lost my shit again. "You don't want to fucking work on CHRISTMAS?! Who does?! But at least you have a fucking job! At least your husband didn't fucking leave you 3 days before fucking Christmas!!" I called her an ungrateful bitch and left.

I don't understand how someone could be so fucking heartless to ANYONE, never mind someone in need. I hope I run into this woman again, and at that point, she has already run over Donna, heartless bimbo, and bloodsucking husband, and is now driving a BMW, purchased with his life insurance policy. And I hope that 15 year old gets his hand cut off so he can't steal money from his mother again. The bloodsucking father didn't deserve a gift, he's been naughty.

Merry Christmas. Do me a favor, and be nice to one person this year, I don't care if you didn't get the right color sweater for Christmas, at least you have someone who loves you enough to get you one.

Someone upstairs is looking out for me. I have been given the BEST. GIFT. EVER.

3 glorious weeks.

21 fabulous days.

498 1/2 hours to be exact.

THAT IS HOW LONG I WILL HAVE A GRANDMOTHER FREE HOUSEHOLD!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

I'm dumping her ass off in Boston tomorrow at 4 pm, and she won't be back until January 8th at 10:30 at night.

I am positively GLEEFULL over this.

I'm not working Christmas Eve, so I'll be able to speaker phone with the family down in Virgina, and my Uncle Greg is mailing my gifts to me, so I'll be able to "be there" sort of, with my family. But at the end of the night, I CAN HANG UP THE PHONE AND NOT DEAL WITH THEIR DRAMA!

This just may be the best Christmas yet, even though I'm technically missing my cousin's first one. Meh, he's only 6 months old, he won't remember.

OMG! HE SHOWED UP TO MY WORK AGAIN! AT 7 AM!!


No thank you, please drive through.

I met a boy the other day at work. Gasp, I know, I MET A BOY.

He was sweet and kind and had the balls to half assed ask me out. He said we should "hang out" sometime, and I was game.

We're supposed to hang out after work today.

But ZOMG, panic attack!!!!

Last night he found me on MySpace, and sent a message that just said a bunch of smileys, then friend requested me. I didn't even tell him I had one. Which means he had to search for me! WHICH MEANS HE WAS LIKE, ONLINE STALKINGISH!

I'm creeped out beyond belief, and so uninterested, and I really don't wanna hang out today, but the fact that I have to reject someone is really making my stomach churn. I have a hard time with the word "No". I'm a loser.

Oy, this should be interesting.

When I started this LJ, it was because everyone else thought I should have one. I've never been one to keep up with a journal, blog, or diary, but I try. I didn't know that when I needed it, I would use it, and it would actually help. Being able to vent and express and update people on my life and actually get input has been rather amazing.

I know I use the LJ sparingly, but I check it almost every day to keep up with the friends I don't usually get the chance to chat with on a daily basis. I also read my back entries every so often, and it reminds me that people care about me, when I read the comments I've gotten. It lets me know that I'm not crazy, and lets face it, sometimes we all need that reassurance, lol.

The other day, I was chatting with someone and they asked me what I like to do for fun. I replied with "I'm on the internet... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. It's all I do when I'm home." They just chuckled and asked me what I like to do on the internet that keeps me online so much, and I actually stopped and thought about it.

Why AM I always on the internet? Because, this is where my family is. SO many of the people who actually care about me, I've met over the internet.

In my opinion, friends and family are your backbone. Each one makes up one small vertebrae, but if one fails you, your whole spine could collapse. They support you, hold you up, and when you can't take anymore, they catch you before you fall apart.

And in light of these recent thoughts, I'm calling two of you out, lol. I want the two people who actually READ this thing, to know just how much of a backbone they are to me.

--Stephanie, you're first. There is so much I could say about you, and at the same time, it's hard to put it all in words.

I've only met you in person once, and I find that sad. When no one else would give a damn about me, and I posted just to vent, you showed me someone DOES care, and that I wasn't nearly as worthless as I thought. When I needed to hear it, you said it. And not because it's what I needed, but because you thought it was the truth, and that is the most amazing thing anyone could have ever done for me.

You are a true friend, and I will love you forever for it. Oh, and you're also the Queen of Mix CD's, they're fuckin' awesome.

--Jennifer dear, you're next. I thought writing this blog would come rather easily, but I'm finding it hard to put what you guys mean to me into words. But I'll manage.

I have had the pleasure of getting to know you personally, and becoming REALLY good friends with you, and it's probably the healthiest thing I've ever done. No, we're not great influences on each other, and we probably get each other in more trouble then we should, but at the end of the day, I know that if I'm sinking, you're gonna be the one giving me a hand and pulling me up.

The great thing about us, is that we have such different views on things, and we don't agree on everything, but no matter what it is, we'll find a way to laugh at it.

Since we've become closer, I find myself exuding more confidence in myself, because you're the first person to tell me to shut the fuck up, I'm not "(insert self depreciating comment here)" and that we're fucking fancy. And you know I'll do the same for you.

We're not afraid to be ourselves with each other. We don't expect anything from the other. You know that you don't have to be this wild party girl 24/7 just to entertain me, and I know that I don't have to be one either. We can go shopping at Wal-Mart, and still have just as much fun. We can talk for hours about penguins. We can simply sit around and make fun of boys, girls, life, whatever. No matter what we're doing, we have fun. Well, unless it's circling your apartment looking for a parking spot. Not even Strongbow and Rambo's could make that fun.

The only thing that sums us up, is Fancy, really. It's just us, and the word is TOTALLY catching on.

Both of you have been exactly what I needed. Your both a moist towelette when the shits hitting the fan and flinging at me. And somehow, I can totally see the 3 of us, sitting in a jail cell somewhere, looking at each other and saying "Damn, this is shitty. But damn if we didn't look good doing it!"

And to think, I met you both over the internet.

Well, that took a lot more blog space than I thought it would, lol. Guess once I got rolling, it wasn't as hard as I thought.

Since I'm here, I might as well update you on yours truly.

In case you didn't know, last month I started working at a convenience store. Yay! I have job! I have $$$! Just to fill you in real quick. I work a lot. I work insane hours sometimes, and I work doubles. I'm also working holidays. I'm also making $$$, which we all know I needed.

After I started working, another manager from a different store decided to throw me a lot of hours, and trained me to work in the donut shop section of her store. So I kind of have a 3-in-1 job, lol. Donut shop (Honey Dew Donuts) is NOT bad, I make some serious tips sometimes. And the whole convenience store thing isn't all that bad either, and there's a lot of room for advancement in this company. I can't complain.

I'm saving money slowly to get my truck back on the road, even though I KNOW it's gonna be expensive, and then I have to FIX IT. Kind of sucks, but I'll get over it and fix it. I love "Betty the Fancy Bitch"

Mike still calls every now and then, but I think he's starting to give up. Ridiculously enough, it kind of bothers me that he might not chase me anymore. I guess thats what happens when the only one who's ever chased you gives up. But, I DO want him to give up, because he's chasing me to lie to me, not to love me, and I DON'T WANT THAT! Someone, someday WILL love me, because I'm worth it. I just hope he's kinda hot.... heh.

Uh, what else? Oh, I WAS on a diet, I lost a bunch of weight, I went off my diet, I gained 6 lbs back, and I'm going BACK on my diet, cuz I wanna, lol.

If you haven't been over to my Myspace in awhile, I have pictures up. Some are from my Uncle Greg's wedding in Virginia at the beginning of the month. My baby cousin looks SO adorable, and I'm told I'm lookin' hot haha.

Also, I have pics of my latest tattoo up. Another Julien-K tattoo. I honestly thing I'm going to eventually get one line from every song somewhere on my body.

My Grandmother is slowly starting to act like my mother. I get bitched at for everything and nothing at the same time. It's nothing in particular, it's EVERYTHING. I can't do anything right in her eyes, and she's constantly putting me down. When we were in Virginia for the wedding, a few people asked me why she treats me like crap, because all they heard out of her mouth was negative comments about me, or she was yelling at me for something stupid. I'm not sure how to deal with this right now, but it's not going well. **sigh**

Anyway, I think thats it. Enjoy!

Today would have been my wedding day, had I sayed with Mike the first time he proposed to me, and I just realized this about 10 minutes ago when he called me and left a message saying "Just think, we could be celebrating our wedding right now.... thinking of you, and I still love you. Call me"

Yeah..... that's not happening.

I left him then because he beat the shit out of me. I don't remember why, but I'm sure it was something menial. And when he got out of jail, and came home, he didn't find his folded laundry. He found me on the couch with his best friends hand gun in my lap, bruises all over my face. The only reason the gun was in my lap and not my hands, was because I couldn't figure out the damn saftey on it. Thank god for small miracles, I wouldn't do well in prison, I'm too fancy.

So, in light of WHY I left him that particular time, I give you Miranda Lambert lyrics- Gunpowder and Lead. Eeeeeeerily accurate, mind you.

County road 233, under my feet
Nothin' on this white rock but little ole me
I've got two miles till, he makes bail
And if I'm right we're headed straight for hell

[Chorus:]

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

It's half past ten, another six pack in
And I can feel the rumble like a cold black wind
He pulls in the drive, the gravel flies
He dont know what's waiting here this time

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

His fist is big but my gun's bigger
He'll find out when I pull the trigger

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead


P.S. Thanks to disco_trash for my AWESOME Dropkicks Boston CD! Love it!

I know, I haven't blogged in awhile. Nothing really all that exciting until last night. So Weee, and Update Blog! Also, I should warn you, a very deep, dark, secret, disturbing story is included. You've been forwarned.

- I MIGHT have a job, FINALLY. Yesterday, my gramma woke my ass up at 7am and told me that the newspaper lady (aka Crazy Lady Friend) told her Honey Farms (7-11 type store) was hiring, and if I didn't go RIGHT NOW, she was throwing my ass out on the street tonight.

This was exceptionally nice, it being my birthday yesterday and all.

Anyways, I went down, had an "on the spot" interview, and the manager said I'm as good as hired. She just has to check with her District Manager. She also said she'd be in touch with me as soon as she could. Yaaay!

- As I mentioned earlier, yesterday was my 22nd birthday. I didn't get all sappy this year, which is surprising. But I did, in fact, have a great time. Gram took me out to dinner in Allston with Jennifer. We went to Sunset, and Jennifer and I shared a pitcher of Sangria, and we chowed and chatted, and I had a great time. It was a real low key birthday, and I really enjoyed it.

As far as gifties go, I cleaned up haha. Chrissy got me a shirt from Target, Jennifer gave me an awesome gift card for Target and a HILARIOUS card haha, Gram got me 2 new pairs of shoes, and a hair straightener/curling iron combo thingy I wanted. Awesomeness!

Also, tomorrow night, Jennifer and I are going to see Toby Keith and Miranda Lambert. I can't wait! FANCY COUNTRY SHOW TIME!

- In case you didn't know, I'm back on my diet. I DID splurge last night, but I knew it was "okay" because it was the beginning of my diet week (I start on Thursdays, weigh myself on Wednesday nights, odd I know.) and I could still have a productive week.

So far, I've lost 8lbs, and I'm feeling great about that. I still have some things I can do to help me lose the weight, but I'll get there, it's only been 2 weeks.

I have a dieting website and dieting blog at : http://www.freewebs.com/lesspixie2luv

Check me out, foo.

- If you haven't seen this yet, and you're a Julien-K fan, shame on you. Someone found a posted version of the Kick The Bass video. http://www.oilfactory.com Go to the Music Video's section in the upper left corner, and click Ryan Rickett.

First, let me start off with this. The video is AMAZING. The guys did an exceptional job on the concept and the design of the video, and it really is awesome.

However, I had a REALLY hard time watching it. I seriously almost turned it off a few times, it hurt so much.

It was all so... familiar. It was more reminiscent, then fantasy to me. I've BEEN to those kinds of places, I've seen these things, and I've seen my mom hop right into these activities. Of course, the guys just made it look a hell of a lot more attractive.

I've never in my life done a single line of cocaine, and I don't plan on it. I've had plenty of opportunity, but cocaine has also been a BIG part of the reason I don't have a mom. And watching this video reminds me of where I've been, and what I've seen, and it's scary.

The last "Base Party", as they were called around here, I went to, was very traumatic for me. I have NEVER, EVER spoken to ANYONE about this night, but it's time I do, before I just deteriorate myself.

The party was in West Boylston, and I had to drive. When we got there, mom wanted me to meet a few people, so I came in, not knowing what really was going on inside. I met the people she mentioned, and she told me to stay and have a few drinks. She handed me a drink and walked off. I sat and watched my mom and her friends snort piles and piles and mountains of coke, and I felt sick to my stomach.

I put my drink down and asked my mom if I could leave, and come pick her up later, and told her I wasn't feeling well. This was nothing new, as I was going through chemo at the time. At this point, my mother threw an empty plate at my face, and threw me to the ground, pulling my hair and hitting me. The people at the party were just WATCHING this. Finally, someone who knew me from my mom pulled her off of me.

I ran into the bathroom and tried to lock the door, crying my eyes out. The only thing I could think of was keeping her out, but the lock didn't work. I peered out and she went back to her coke mountain, so I felt safer. I closed the door and cleaned myself up, then looked for my car keys. I couldn't find them, so I peeked back out, and she had them in her lap. She wasn't letting me leave any time soon, and all I could do was cry.

The house we were at was pretty huge, and I walked all around, trying to find a backyard exit or something, any way to get out of there, because I couldn't breathe, it was so hot and stuffy. I couldn't find an exit, so I just kept walking around the packed house.

Bruno, the man that had pulled my mother off me, came up to me when I was on the 2nd floor, looking around, trying to calm myself. He gave me a hug and apologized for my mom bringing me here. He brought me into a room and sat me down, then turned on the A/C because he could see I was sweating. I closed my eyes because I felt so nauseous and dizzy, and I was still crying. When I opened my eyes, Bruno was standing right in front of me, completely naked.

I'm not going to go into minute details, because most of it is pretty blurry, but he raped me. I DO remember at one point having a knife on my back, and him shoving my face in a pillow, but I'm pretty sure I blacked out after that.

After he was done, I remember he got dressed and left like nothing happened. I curled up in the corner of the bedroom and cried for hours. When I finally had the strength and courage, I put my tattered clothes back on, and went downstairs. I grabbed the keys from my mother and ran as fast as I could down the hall and finally found the front door.

I sped off as fast as I could and when I got home, I remember getting sick. I was throwing up all night that night, and when I wasn't puking, I was sobbing.

My mom went missing for the next 3 days, and I didn't tell a single soul about what happened, I was too scared. Bruno is a very "powerful" man in the Hells Angels, and I felt that if I said anything to anyone, they wouldn't find my body. So I've buried all of that inside me until today.

When I saw the Kick The Bass video, it flooded all that back to me, and I cried. I had buried that night away so far, that I had "forgotten" about it. I've moved past that, and I've coped in many ways. I know it wasn't my fault, and I don't need justice to prove anything, and I really just want it to go away again. But, I knew it was time to remember, so I can really let it go.

I didn't write this down so I can look back at it, nor did I write it for pity. I wrote it to let it go, to get it out, and now it's out, and now it's gone.

I will never really "forget" what happened, but I will always remember I am stronger, and I am better.

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.... and I'm ready to take on the world if I have to.